We’ve been talking about it for a long time. Honestly, after a while, I started to think it might never happen. I chose to live in denial because I knew how hard it would hit me when this day came. I started to convince myself that my dad wouldn’t ever find a house that he wanted to buy. I convinced myself that if he never found one, we would never have to sell ours.
I knew eventually this day would come. We are all growing older. My dad is retired. I am looking to buy a house of my own. This house isn’t realistic anymore.
My dad is selling our house. The house I grew up in. the house my mom lived in. The house that holds almost every single one of my favorite memories but especially those that I hold so close to me that involves my favorite person who is no longer here, my mom.
This isn’t just a house. This isn’t just a place I lived in. This isn’t just a house my family lived in for the past 25 years. This is my home. This is home. This is every feeling attached to the word home. This is the house that built me.
This is so much more than just a house and that is why leaving it behind hurts so badly.
The thought that I will never be able to walk through the house that my mom took her last breaths in ever again pains me in ways that I can’t even put into words.
The fact that I will never be able to walk down the stairs and picture my mom sitting on the couch in the living room putting on her makeup the way she did every morning.
The thought that I won’t ever be able to walk outside onto the deck and picture my mom laying on her chair in the sun tanning, one of the things she enjoyed most in life.
The fact that I won’t ever be able to walk into the kitchen and picture her sitting in her spot at the kitchen table. The spot that to this day I don’t let anyone sit in when they come over. The spot that was and always has been reserved for her.
The fact that all of the memories of the beautiful years that I shared with my mom will no longer be able to be seen while I walk in my home but instead will have to live on in my mind and my memory, just like every other piece of my mom that left me 8 years ago.
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother