Honestly, I didn’t think today would be that hard. I thought it would just be like a normal day and that a holiday just wasn’t happening this weekend. Well, after sleeping for 12 plus hours (if you have been following me for a while, you know that when I am sad or stressed, I sleep, a lot. Without even knowing why sometimes), I quickly realized that this is actually going to be a really difficult day. Especially difficult without my mom.
It has been years since my mom died and holidays have definitely gotten easier throughout. However, this morning made it very clear that once again, like many other things in my life, holidays have been made better because of distractions. Being around my family. Having fun. Being around others who have shared the same losses and distracting each other from the pain that things like holidays bring.
Waking up not having that to look forward to left me feeling very lonely. I felt lonely because although I am not able to see my extended family, I would be staying with my mom and dad and at least be able to spend today with them. I see everyone at his or her parent’s house. I see everyone with his or her moms. Being home, and isolated, in quarantine, without my mom, is a reality that I did not realize would sting so badly.
This quarantine and pandemic have been hard overall for my grief. I am sure I am not alone there. But as every day brings a new experience, a new struggle, a new triumph, waking up on my first holiday during this has brought that as well.
Just like all firsts without my mom has been hard, this is the first holiday since my mom died that I have had to spend at home, in quarantine, and without the people I love.
So although this pandemic has been difficult for many, remember that it is also very difficult for those who are missing a loved one. Remember to check in on those who may be grieving. This experience has brought forward a whole new level of loneliness that we have not experienced without the person who died.
But, as I always say. This is just one day, and it will be over tomorrow.
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother