I never really knew how bad things were in my relationship when I was in it. I didn’t see the things that other people saw. I didn’t see the red flags that my friends and family constantly warned me about. Hell, I actually thought this was the way a relationship was supposed to be. I thought that because I loved this person it was okay to fight, break up and make up in the very unhealthy way that we did.
Love is blind.
I really thought that if you love someone enough it makes up for all of the terrible things happening in the relationship.
That is probably one of the toughest realities I have faced in these past few years since my very toxic ending to my very toxic relationship. It has taken a lot of work, time and effort to even start to heal from the pain that this relationship caused me and the effects it has on my daily life now.
My ex never hit me. The fights were never physical. But, they didn’t need to be physical to cause me pain and damage. They didn’t need to be physical to cause me to doubt my self worth, cause major trust issues and literally take away my ability to love and be loved moving forward.
Dating hasn’t made sense since. I find myself lost and confused at what a healthy relationship is supposed to be. I find myself back in toxic situations because in this really sick kind of way, they feel normal. I find myself scared and wanting to run when things are good. I find myself confused when things are normal. I have a really hard time understanding what “healthy” is.
I can’t show emotion the way I used to. Maybe it’s that I am scared to. Maybe it’s that every time I ever showed my ex emotion I was belittled and told I was dramatic and needed to grow up. Maybe it’s because every time I would cry because my ex had cheated on me or wanted to take another “break” they would walk out the door and ignore my phone calls for the next 3 days.
I don’t involve my family and friends with as much stuff as I used to. Not because they aren’t important to me or not because I don’t want to share my happiness with them. But instead, because, sharing this with them means that they would have the possibility of seeing me broken again. They would have to help drag me out of bed and put the pieces back together again.
Relationships scare me. They remind me of how much love I felt but they also remind me of the ability I have to hurt. They remind me of the pain I felt time and time again when my ex would leave me just to come back into my life and leave again. For every ounce of good that I remember, there are 10 more painful memories following close behind.
I have closed the doors to the people of my past. I try not to carry too much with me day-to-day but I would be lying if I said I have completely healed from the pain. I would be lying if I said the all of the ways you broke me haven’t carried into my life still, today.
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