I was you. I remember those days very clearly, but they were very blurry as well. The first days of my new reality and identity. The first days of a journey that I would struggle with for the rest of my life. The first days of a club that I never wanted to be part of. The first days of being a motherless daughter.
I didn’t know where to turn. In all honesty, sometimes I still don’t. I am still this many years later still trying to figure out how to navigate in a world that doesn’t include the person who was always there for me, the one that picked up all of my pieces, the incredible woman who loved me unconditionally, and my favorite person I have ever known.
Today isn’t going to be easy. Tomorrow isn’t either. You’re going to have a lot more bad days before they start getting good again. It’s a rollercoaster. The second you start feeling okay, something will knock you down again. Think back to being a little kid playing in the waves and just as you stand up and start laughing with your family a huge wave comes and knocks you over. That is what this grief thing is like.
Everyone around you will continue on with his or her own lives. People will go back to school and work. The calls and texts won’t come as frequently. The meals will stop being delivered. This initial period becomes one of the loneliest times of your life.
It leaves you standing still while everything around you is still moving, but it also is the time for the most growth. It is the time that you will learn how to pick yourself up off the floor, piece by piece. No matter how long this process feels, every day you are getting stronger. Every day you are working through this harsh reality.
In time the bad days won’t come as frequently. You will realize what an accomplishment it is to go multiple days straight without shedding a tear. You will get better at coping. Life won’t seem as scary as it did those weeks and months that followed the death of your mom.
You won’t come out of this the same person you were before. You will be completely changed. You will see the world differently. You will be stronger. But the biggest thing you will have had to learn is how to survive in a world that doesn’t include your mother.
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother