I find myself always telling people when they lose someone they love that although the grief does get easier, it comes in waves at times when you aren’t expecting it and when these waves come, they knock you down so hard you wonder if you’ll ever be able to get up again.
Today was one of those days. I was going through some boxes of old things and I found tons of cards and letters you wrote me. They were bittersweet. I laughed, I smiled, but one, hit me much harder. I sat there sobbing. The kind of crying I did a lot the first year after you died. The kind of crying that no positive thought or any of my defensive mechanisms could stop.
This one was you. Every word sounded exactly like your voice as I read it. I suddenly could remember everything about you perfectly. As if I could walk downstairs and hear your voice again. It was the real, genuine you. The you that showed me the purest form of love that I will probably ever know.
The only words I could use to express the way I feel were “its not fair” and “I miss her”. It isn’t fair that you had to go. It isn’t fair that your life got cut short and you had to miss out on the thing that you loved most, me, and being my mom.
I truly believe there is nobody like you. The little things I find, and the more things I start to remember again, truly reminds me how wonderful you were. You were the most kind and genuine person I have ever met and loved me with your whole heart.
So today, I missed you a little extra. Today, I hugged my loved ones a little tighter and made sure not to fall asleep without saying I love you. Because today, the waves of grief hit me. They hit me hard and knocked me down.
This grief thing is a journey I’ll be on for the rest of my life, I’ve accepted that. I’m not sure that I’ve fully accepted that your gone though. I’m not sure I’ll ever fully accept or understand why you had to be the one taken and why this had to happen to us.
But just in case I never get those answers, I’ll do what I can to keep you present in my everyday life. I’ll do what I need to do to always make you proud.
I missed you extra today, mom.
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother