To follow up on my post from a few weeks ago… there are still struggles that I’m dealing with. There are still a wide array of questions, emotions and feelings I’m just not quite sure how to deal with.
I’m sure I’m not the first one with these struggles, but I’m sick of things continuing to be so difficult and looking like the selfish and bratty daughter for not jumping right on board with something that is so hard for me to wrap my head around.
But, my mom DIED. She died and she’s never coming back. I don’t get another mom and if anything as time goes on things just seem to get harder to navigate without the comfort and support of her. My dad gets to move on. He gets to fall in love again. He gets to replace that feeling he had with my mom. This can help him to end his grief and move on.
As for me, it makes it harder. It makes my loss feel more permanent. It makes me (very selfishly) feel like this is so much harder for me. It makes me angry and it isn’t fair.
It isn’t fair that my dad gets to fill his void and almost create a new life while I still struggle. Once again I feel so selfish saying that because OF COURSE I want him to be happy. But I guess I just want him to also understand how and why this is so difficult for me.
Sometimes I think he does, however, sometimes it feels like he never will. He will never be a young girl without a mom and as wonderful of a dad he is, he will never be able to do the things and help with the stuff that a girl needs a mom for.
I wish he’d understand how confusing this is for me. I wish he could step inside my brain for a second to see all of thoughts and worries I have. I wish for a second he could walk in my shoes and see how I wonder the way this is going to affect my life. I wish he could see how terrified I am that I am going to lose my dad to some woman who IS NOT my mom.
I don’t feel like I have a family anymore. I mean, I started to feel like that when my mom died but I I then started to get used to the idea that my dad and I became that. Now, I feel like there is another person involved and it confuses the whole damn thing. Sometimes, I don’t even know where I will fit into things one day, and that down right terrifies me.
I guess I’m just scared. I’m scared and worried of the changes and the sadness that this is going to continue to bring to my life. I don’t mean to feel so angry towards my dad or so sad all of the time, but in a way, this is like grieving my mom all over again, and I just can’t help it.
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