I don’t know how to put it gentler than that. I don’t know how to find even slightly pleasant words to describe what watching a parent die feels like. I don’t know how to even try to explain it without curse words and screaming.
The hell of watching someone die isn’t just the actual dying part. It’s the months, weeks and days leading up to it. It’s the pain of watching day by day the most important person in your life slip further and further away from you while there is nothing you can do to stop it.
You don’t lose this person in one moment. You lose them gradually throughout the whole time they are sick. As time goes on, they become less and less the person that they were before this illness took over.
It’s absolutely terrifying. It’s gut wrenching. It sends you through a whirlwind of feelings and emotions. You don’t even know who you are anymore. It takes over your life.
You become a selfish person. You find yourself hoping and wishing that your mom could just die because you can’t possibly watch her suffer anymore. I can’t believe I just said that out-loud. This is something I promise nobody could understand unless they have been through this pain themselves.
You are burnt out. You are emotionally and physically exhausted. I don’t think there is something more painful in the world than watching your parent deteriorate slowly right in front of your eyes.
You isolate yourself. You can’t believe this has actually become your life. You isolate yourself because there is absolutely no way you can talk about this with the people in your life. There is no way that anyone could understand or even try to understand what this is like or how you are feeling.
You are an absolute mess. Trying to pick up the pieces of yourself day by day throughout the process of losing the most important person in your life.
I wouldn’t wish the pain on my worst enemy. I wouldn’t wish that anyone in the world would ever have to go through this.
There is nothing worse than the absolute hell of watching your mother die.
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