Birthdays have always been tough for me. Let me back track, birthdays have been tough for me since November 4, 2012. The first birthday that would change birthdays for me forever. My mom was dying. She was going on hospice and they were determined to keep her alive for at least a few days so that my birthday and her death day wouldn’t be connected for the rest of my life.
Little did I️ realize then, they would still always always be connected. Every birthday not only is a reminder that my mom isn’t here- but also a constant reminder of the awful days that were brought from those weeks in November of 2012.
So there I️ am, another November 4th, surrounded by so many people who love me and drove home to be there to celebrate my birthday, crying. Literally sobbing.
Back track again, I’m not a crier- sometimes i️ actually think it freaks people out a little when I️ show that kind of emotion because it’s so far and few between that I️ let it out.
I️ got hurt by someone else on my birthday. Someone who meant a lot to me- and it was hard. It wasn’t as hard as losing my mom- but it was hard enough that it was just the tip of the iceberg for me. The straw that broke the camels back. It was like i️ was waiting for something to tip me far enough over that out would come ALLL of those emotions, and they did.
My friends were wonderful, as they always are. They helped me through and were supportive.
Now I️ know you’ve heard me say emotions aren’t really my thing, nor is asking for help, but maybe with 24 can come more changes to that.
I️ woke up today feeling different. 2 days into being 24 and 1 day away from my moms 5 year anniversary. I️ wasn’t sad, I wasn’t happy but instead I️ felt hopeful.
I️ felt hopeful that today is a new day. That Saturday started a new year. This is a perfect opportunity.
An opportunity to work on myself. To grow. To deal with my pain in the most healthy way possible. To ask for help. To need others. To stop isolating when things get hard. To continue moving forward stronger than I️ was before. To be human.
We are all human. It’s okay to feel pain and it’s okay to hurt. It’s okay to be weak. It’s okay to be vulnerable We are never alone, and it’s okay to ask for help, even when that seems impossible.
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