My mom won’t be here for my wedding. She won’t be here when I have kids. The reality is, she won’t be here for A LOT. From the second after my mom died, she was officially no longer going to be there for any of the ups and downs, highs and lows and everything in between. She was officially going to miss every milestone and every hardship. She was going to miss it all.
And since that cold, bitter, snowy, day that my mom left this earth it has been HARD. Nothing has been the same. And the reality is, nothing is ever going to be again. I have had to adjust to a new normal at a way younger age than anyone should have to and I have had to do my best to power through all of the highs and lows without my biggest fan and the person always there to pick me up when I fall.
Just when I start to think I have adjusted to this new reality, something hits me to remind me this is never going to be easy. Something reminds me of a big event coming up that she won’t be here for or what it would be like to go through another hardship without her.
Something like the thought of getting married or having a family of my own.
Something like another death in the family or getting my heart broken.
And all of the things that are going to continue to happen for the rest of my life without my mom….
Everything and everyone around me is a reminder of what I’m missing. Every day I am faced with more and more reality that my life is never going to be the same.
It’s hard to share others happiness with them. It’s hard to not feel angry or jealous about the people around you still having their moms to celebrate these beautiful moments with them. It’s bittersweet and heartbreaking at the same time.
The death of my mom is always going to be an uphill battle. I do not believe I will ever fully heal from this loss. I don’t believe there will ever be a time where a happy moment or a hardship won’t leave me longing for the person who loved me unconditionally. I don’t think this loss will ever get easier. And that is okay.
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother