It's hard to imagine that there was actually something good that transpired from losing the most important person in my life. It's actually crazy to think that I'm here able to write about something good that has since come from this absolute tragedy that has rocked my world in so many negative ways.
Losing you was the hardest thing I have ever gone through. Hell, it's probably the hardest thing I will ever go through in my life. Every day is a constant uphill battle trying to overcome the daily struggles without you and move forward even when moving forward seems nearly impossible.
The day you died broke me. It broke me in a million peices that I am still trying to recover from. It flipped my world upside down in a way that nobody close to me could ever try to understand unless they have lived it. It affected me in so many ways that I couldn't even start to try and figure out how to explain.
But at the same time that this experience absolutely broke me, it also shaped into a person that I never thought I could become. I am strong. I am resilient. I have fought against so many odds with so many things stacked against me. I have become someone that I wasn't sure was ever possible.
I am surviving.
Some days I wonder how. Some days, I genuinely wonder how I got to this place and how I continue to wake up with a smile on my face and carry on like things are okay. I wonder how I do this when my entire world was ripped from under me way too young and I was forced to start this new life without the most important person not in it.
I wonder this, while at the same time I am surviving it. I am waking up in the morning, putting myself together and carrying on. I am doing this in the most graceful way that a complete stranger would have no idea this terrible loss that I have experienced. They wouldn't have an idea of what I am going through because somehow I have put myself together in the most graceful of ways.
Somedays I even surprise myself with how resilient I have become.
I surprise myself with the steps that I have made to take this loss into my own hands and continue on.
I surprise myself with how far I have come since that cold winter day that I said goodbye to the most important person in my life.
Give yourself more credit. You have come much further than you think.
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother