This feeling I explain, I wouldn't wish it on anyone. This card I've been dealt, I wouldn't wish on the worst person on Earth. This life I'm living, well it's just not fair. I wasn't supposed to have to learn to live without my mom. Not at this age at least.
Unfortunately (my go, to line while I'm working with other people who are experiences completely and utterly unfair things) "life never goes the way we planned for it." Life in our head, the way we envison it since we are little kids, never quite turns out that way.
I mean COME ON. Did I really think I would be this age trying to navigate the world of being an "adult" but also still a "young woman" who has so much to learn about what either of those phrases mean.
Some days, I actually start to think I'm doing okay. For some moments, I actually feel like I am handling this whole young girl without a mom thing pretty well. I mean I am. But some days, I feel like I am absolutely failing miserably with no where to turn, because the only person I would ever go to for these kind of things, unfairly left the world and my life years ago.
So here I am, trying, failing, sometimes succeeding, but overall, STRUGGLING. When my mom died I knew there was going to be a lot that she would miss. I knew there would be a lot I would have to overcome without her, but I did not have the slightest idea of how difficult it would still be this many years later.
There isn't a book that tells you how to handle these kind of things. There isn't something that tells you the whirlwind that grief is and how long and dragged out this process is, even when you start to think you are healing, and another curveball comes and throws you off your plan.
It's hard. Every single day is hard. Even when things seem to be going well, they aren't the same., it isn't completely okay. There will never be a day I won't miss my mom. There will never be a day that it is easy to be living without her
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Also, here are some great resources for anyone who has lost a mother