We live in a society that is so terrified to talk about death. For something that is happening every day, all around us, people just don’t know how to communicate about this subject.
It’s safe to say, losing our mom becomes part of us. It becomes part of our identity. Being a motherless daughter starts to fit us into a club that we never wanted to be part of. It is, and will always be part of who we are.
So as another holiday season approaches, I am missing you. I am missing you with every happy moment, along with every sad. So much continues to change, but missing you, is one thing that continues to stay consistent.
It has been something that has made me a better person and has also been something that has made me worse. It has helped reach some of my biggest goals but also has lead to some of my biggest downfalls.
Nobody prepares tho for the ugly array of emotions that are to come after the death of your mom. In fact; I don’t think anyone could prepare you for the roller coaster of grief this brings flipping your life upside down when you least expect it.
You left an impact on everyone’s life that you came in contact with. There was not a person in this world that could say you were anything other than an absolutely beautiful soul.
Things have changed so much and I’m different. I’ve grown a lot since you were here. I’ve overcome a lot of challenges and started to find my way. I’ve made a lot of mistakes. I’ve had a lot of triumphs. All of the good and the bad have led me to this person.
Death is a weird thing. It knocks us to the ground but forces us to have to continue on with a new life without one of the most important people.
There is no love like the love that comes from a mother and there is nobody on this earth that could take her place or fill the void of what is missing.
It’s the worst day of the year..
There are so many parts of my life that are never going to be the same.
The 6 words that would change my life forever.
I think I already know the answer to that question.....
It's hard to imagine that there was actually something good that transpired from losing the most important person in my life. It's actually crazy to think that I'm here able to write about something good that has since come from this absolute tragedy that has rocked my world in so many negative ways.
I'm sick of things continuing to be so difficult and looking like the selfish and bratty daughter for not jumping right on board with something that is so hard for me to wrap my head around.
But on the bad days, it makes the pain ache that much more. On the days that seem never-ending, the gaping hole of grief that consumes me gets deeper and deeper.
I wasn't supposed to have to learn to live without my mom. Not at this age at least.
It’s a feeling nobody can quite understand. Not unless they have lived it that is. It’s a pain that you thought was gone, so when it comes back to surface, can even leave you confused as to why and how you are feeling this way.
I wasn't sure I was ever going to bring myself to start writing about a topic so personal and something that I was still struggling with so much. But I figured- If I am struggling with it, maybe it could help someone else to realize that their feelings are normal and they too are having similar thoughts and feelings.
I never thought this would bother me. At least after so many years of my mom being gone and really wanting to see my dad happy. I always thought I would be okay with it. That I would even be happy about it. My dad deserved happiness again. He deserved to get out of the house and do things. Heck, maybe even it would make me feel a little better about having to leave him alone sometimes.
However, the way things appear in our head, aren't always the way that they happen. Actually, things usually happen in a WAY uglier manner than we think or expect.
And that's exactly what it was. A very ugly array of emotions and thoughts throwing me for a curveball that I was not ready for. It started with some REALLY ugly crying. To the point that I had to run upstairs to get my emotions out before I could even attempt to talk to him about how I was feeling or even putting words together.
Then came the grief. This part, I'm not sure has really gone away. Another reminder that my mom is NEVER coming back. She died and is gone and is never going to be present in our lives again. My dad is actually moving on. Not that he doesn't still have love for my mom, but she has been gone long enough that he is actually starting to be with someone that isn't her. Now that is just a whole other mess of emotions I can't wrap my head around.
I had never seen my parents with anyone else. Honestly, that is never something I would have even thought I'd ever have to think about. When my mom was alive, I just kind of figured they would always be together until they were really old and I was married with a family of my own.
And then came the crazy thoughts and the questions. What if my dad got married again? What if some strange woman who isn't my mom moves into our house? What if my dad and I can no longer do all of the stuff we've been doing together for the past years my mom has been going? Do we have to take the pictures of my mom down in the house? Does this mean that he doesn't love her anymore?
I don't think I could rationally address all of these questions if I tried. So it turned into a lot of crying, a lot of anger and resentment and somehow trying to throw all of these questions at my dad that I don't even think he was ready to process himself yet.
It's been a lot of conversations that have been uneasy, confusing and straight up difficult. For both of us, I think. It's been a lot of trying to understand the other person's views and experiences when the loss that we experienced was totally different.
And it's been complicated and confusing.... every single day since. I'm still not sure I've even started to process half of what I am feeling. Every day is an emotional rollercoaster for me. I cry a lot. I'm angry a lot. This has been the furthest thing from easy for me.
Sometimes I think I am being unfair to have these emotions. Sometimes I start to get angry at myself for handling this the way I am. But then I remember, I'm human. I have been through hell and back way younger than someone should ever have to and this is HARD. This is another transition and another difficulty that I need to overcome. Not for a second longer will I be hard on myself for these genuine, real, struggles that I am having.
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New Year’s has a way of bringing many feelings and emotions to the surface. It’s a time to reflect. A time to make goals. A time to think about what the past year has brought, and what the next one will bring.