Life gets hard sometimes. In fact, sometimes it gets so overwhelming that you literally feel like you are losing all control of your life and the things that are happening around you.
I think we all hit that point sometimes. I hit that point today.
Crying in my car on my lunch break (the girl that everyone laughs at because she NEVER cries, and definitely doesn't show that kind of emotion regularly). I'm definitely not the girl that walks out of work wondering if I'll be able to pull myself back together enough to go back inside. This is my dream job, this is literally what I've worked my ass off for.
Everything just piled up today. It was too much and I just lost it. I thought for sure today was it. Today was the day I was going to lose my sanity, maybe screw up at my job and definitely hurt a few people in my life with my angry and unapproachable affect.
I sat there for awhile wondering, why me. Why has my life been filled with so much pain? Why has my life been filled with so much hardship that even on the easiest days, still is never in fact, easy?
Why did I have to lose my mom way earlier in life than most other people I know?
Why does her anniversary have to fall on the week of my birthday?
Why do I constantly get hurt by the people that I fall for, and end up left feeling like I am never enough?
Why do I love so hard?
Why do I love the wrong people?
Why have I become so familar with heartache and hardship?
Why do I always seem to be so overwhelmed with multiple areas of my life all at once?
Why? Why me?
I'm not sure I'll ever have those answers. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why I got picked to live through so much pain and hardship. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to wrap my head around why things continue to be so difficult and why things can't just ever seem to go my way for too long at a time.
But what I do know, (what I am still trying to accept) is it is okay to not be okay. It's okay to ask for help. It's okay to admit you are feeling weak. It's okay to take a break, to sit down, and to reflect on all of the crap you are going through and slowly pick up the pieces as you cry hysterically, wondering why this is happening to you.
Emotion is okay. Weakness is okay. I am the first to admit that this is difficult for me. I'm supposed to be the strong one. I'm supposed to be the one that is there for everyone else, but sometimes, that isn't the case. Sometimes, it's okay to be the one that needs a little extra help.
It's okay to not be okay.